Sunday 15 January 2012

How to be a good mother ...

If only it were as simple as following a manual, or even watching a T.V programme; being a good mother. My "early" night turned into a late one when I decided to stay up and watch "How to be a good mother" on channel 4 wednesday night, http://www.channel4.com/programmes/how-to-be-a-good-mother-with-sharon-horgan/4od. This documentary was fronted by Sharon Horgan who spent some time with six mums, who think their ways of parenting make them good mothers'. Some parts of this documentary had me laughing with how ridiculous/extreme some of these mums views on bringing up their children were; while other parts infuriated me as to how some mums, who think they have got it so right, view other mums, so much so it impelled me to blog.

We see this kind of thing, good parenting, debated all the time, in the news with results of research, saying we are harming our children and hindering their development; if we do or don't do certain things. Then there are other mums, who openly judge your choices and make you feel as if you're not a good mum, because your choices don't mimic their own. There are two points that I really took issue with, the first from stay-at-home-mum Daria who came across as quite ignorant; if you are not parenting her way, you in her mind are not a very good mother. Daria believes that women who go back to work do so because it's easy, easier than staying at home and bringing up your child. I'm due back at work in a couple of weeks and believe me I'm not going back because it's easier. I'm sure most mums will agree with me when I say, I'm going back to work for financial reasons. I would love to stay at home and raise Riley however, if we want to buy our own home and for our son to have the best, we need two wages to be coming in. I also think a little separation is good, for us both, being a mum isn't all there is to being me, and that doesn't make me a bad mother for saying that. It will also give Riley a little independence and will prepare him for the school years, when I can't be with him. I will be working part-time and will therefore be with Riley 24/7 for the majority of the week. I don't think that by working this makes me a part-time mum. 

Well that is rant number 1. over, now for number 2. Lynnea, who is placenta mad might I add, runs her own placenta baking business. What really frustrated me with Lynnea, was her suggestion that people that don't give birth naturally (caesarian section) don't have a bond with their child. How ignorant is this! What are women supposed to do if there are complications that mean this is the only viable option? I'm sure anyone who has had a caesarian section will not have any less of a bond with their child than someone who hasn't, and no woman should put another down for needing one. Her ignorance infuriated me!!


But this got me thinking about another issue that really frustrates me; pain relief. Some women seem to think that unless you give birth with the aid of only gas and air this has made them and their birth so much more triumphant than someone who needed more. Personally I think giving birth, with whatever "help" is an amazing feat. We don't have the exact same pain and experience during birth as each other, everyone is different. So to make someone feel as if they didn't achieve what you did, is awful. My birth plan was natural, natural, natural, NO! to Pethidine and Epidurals ... perhaps I was one of those people, pre-birth, that held that notion and being my first time, I was naive and didn't know what was in store. Fast forward to my birth, the most agonising pain I could ever imagine or even begin to explain. I was panicking and was only 2cm dilated and I needed to calm down so I was given Pethidine; this made me drowsy, it didn't stop the pain in any way or make the birth of my son any easier than someone that didn't have Pethidine.


How to be a good mother, is about doing what you think is right and I don't think it is anyone's place to be saying their way is the right way. After all, we have all been brought up differently and place emphasis on different morals and values, which we try to teach our children when raising them. Since becoming a mum, I've learnt to not take any notice of what anyone else is doing with their children. Ultimately, myself and Riley's dad know him and his needs better than anyone else, therefore so long as we are happy with: how we are raising him, teaching him to be a good citizen and how he is developing as a result of this then I think I'm being a good mother. It's not about if I breastfed or not, if I went to Antenatal classes, how he was born, if I work or don't work, if I take him to baby classes, or what clothes and possessions I buy him.


It seems to me, parenting is just another way for women to put each other down, when really we are all in the same boat; trying to be as good a mother to our children as we can.


What do you think? 

2 comments:

  1. I agree Rachel, i didn't actually see the documentary but i have had experience of women being judemental of others' parenting ideas. It is such a shame as it is one of the hardest jobs in the world and can be an isolating one without the support of fellow mums. I'm glad i didn't watch it as there is so much guilt placed upon a woman, the expectations seems to have increased- work, look after the home, the children etc...WONDER WOMAN!!! Even as a stay at home mum which was my choice, i get very odd comments like- 'oh so you don't work'..long pause. Anyones point of view which is rammed down your throat, beit, religion, parenting skills is not pleasant.
    After several years of meeting new mums i am glad to say i have met a few like minded mums who have different ideas to me but don't judge me or visa versa for the way we choose to raise our kids.
    Like you i feel, there is no right way to raise kids and you should do what you feel is right for you and your family. Show me the perfect family and i may change my mind but that is impossible, humans all have faults, NO ONE IS PERFECT...love is a great starting place XXX

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  2. I completely agree with you Sheridan, it is one of the hardest jobs ... And I'm only 8 months in and on my first!! It is such a shame some feel the need to put others' parenting skills down. What we need is some good old fashioned woman power! It is incredibly tough being a mum and coping with all the pressures that come with being a mum, which makes it completely insane that mums put other mums down! Its madness isn't it, I don't understand how people can judge you for staying at home to raise your children. I hope that in the future, like you, I meet some like minded mums who don't feel the need to "compete" or put down the choices we make in raising Riley. Xxx

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